All About Statistics
by Renee.Hills
Summary: On New Year's Eve, energetic, pedantic, Excel-obsessed Bella preoccupied with finding the perfect man lands in the bar of Edward Cullen – a laid-back bartender with a filthy mouth, who never sleeps with the same woman twice. Will their encounters change each other's views on relationships? And how will it affect their own? AU, AH, OOC.


**Hello!**

 **As I was chillin' this evening, being thoroughly depressed thinking of my other, dark, dark story _Living a Lie_ , I decided to watch a movie _How To Be Single._ And then I got inspired by Lucy and Tom relationship and thought... hm, it would be fun to play with it a little in the Twilight universe and put Bella and Edward in their shoes. And because I was procrastinating, and not doing what I should do, I decided to have fun. Some themes, conversations, and scenes from the movie might repeat in this story, but this is purely for fun, nothing serious, just something relaxing when I try to unwind and not think about my depressed Bella in _Living a Lie._**

 **If you haven't seen a movie, I recommend watching it. It is funny and relaxing, nothing** **heavy.**

 **Are you ready for the ride? I am determined to have fun with this one.**

 **I changed characters a bit, adjusting a thing here and there, making it a completely new story... I hope you'll like it.**

 **DISCLAIMER: Stephenie Meyer owns characters. And I am merely inspired by the storyline of _How To Be Single._ I own nothing.**

 **Enjoy. R.**

* * *

PROLOGUE

 **How the Fuck Did We Get Here?**

 _Edward's POV_

She was bouncing in front of me like a fucking Bugs Bunny she was with her Bugs Bunny Halloween ears on her head, crazily waving her hand in front of my face up and down.

"Look, look, look! Edward, LOOK!" she screamed over the music, and if I wanted to finally get to my point, I'd rather listen to her. The bar was packed with people in ridiculous costumes, music and alcohol were making everyone relaxed and courageous. I fucking loved that kind of energy. But I couldn't focus on it now. All day I was thinking about finally telling her the truth, and now she was here.

Finally fucking here.

"What?!"

"LOOK!" she continued to wave her hand, and then it clicked in my stupid head. She wanted me to look at her hand. I grabbed it, and the flashing in front of my eyes suddenly stopped. And then I saw it.

She had a _fucking ring_ on that finger!

I looked at her face, at those flushed cheeks and large excited eyes that were sparkling.

I was late. I was fucking late.

"You see?" she squeaked and looked at her finger, and then back at me again. "I told you it would work!" she smiled widely, grinning at me like I was supposed to be happy about it or something.

The fuck I was. I wanted to strangle that bastard. Who did he think he was? Just because he was perfect according to her fucking algorithm, it didn't mean he knew who she really was.

"Edward, are you okay?" I heard her voice close to me. I snapped back from wherever I'd gone to and realized her body was _too_ close, almost entirely pressed to mine, and I felt the heat and that strange electric current between us. She had her face by my left ear, standing on her tiptoes, steadying herself by clutching on my left shoulder. People were surrounding us, and we didn't have much space, and I prayed my dick wouldn't react to her sudden proximity like the last time… God knew I wanted to throw her over my shoulder and take her from this place as far away as possible.

 _Fucking ring._

But I had to tell her. I might not be a romantic motherfucker, but I was the one who knew the real Bella. Not that douchebag. He knew nothing about her, and once again I laughed internally at her shitty algorithms.

"Bella?" I asked, and my voice fucking trembled.

"Yeah?" I felt her hot breath on the skin under my earlobe and I was trying my best not to grab her hips, lift her tiny grey skirt and take her right here in front of everyone.

My dick twitched.

"Bella, I-I am…"

And that was when her body suddenly disappeared, leaving me cold. It was taken away by no one else but that motherfucker boyfriend, who wrapped his arms around her in that possessive manner I hated. She leaned into him, and they looked into each other's faces like the fuckers they were, all in love and shit.

Fucking disgusting.

And as I stood there, watching them, empty-handed _figuratively and literally -_ as Bella would say - I felt inevitable truth coming.

Maybe she was fucking right... She looked happy. Like really happy, and in love.

Maybe that fucking algorithm worked for her.

Maybe to her, it was all about statistics, after all.


End file.
